Advice to My Hypothetical Child(ren) That Won’t Be Arriving To This World for At Least Another 10 Years, If At All, Because I’m Selfish as Hell

Hey Future Babies, (I may or may not have).

Hi. It’s your mommy. I’m 22 right now, which means I haven’t been alive horribly long, but I’ve had a decent amount of life experiences and I think I’ve learned a few things that you’ll find helpful. Keep in mind I’m still discerning new things about myself and the world everyday so marinate in my words, but form your own opinions in a respectful way because I’m your momma and, “I’ve been on this earth longer than you.”

(You’re going to hate hearing that phrase, and don’t ever let someone’s age be the reason you give them authority or respect. Respect people just for the simple fact that we should all treat each other the way we wanted to be treated, but don’t ever take people’s words as truth just because they’re older than you. Yes, it’s true, people who have lived longer than you most likely do know more than you, so listen to them. Hear what they have to say. It might just be helpful and maybe even true. BUT, if you don’t agree with what they’re saying then let that be that. Heed the words of people you admire, not people that have thirty years on you.)

And with that first tidbit…we commence.

1. In the beginning, more times than not, the best sex you ever have will be with the worst humans. It’s horribly funny, honestly. But, regrettably true, and if I felt so inclined I could probably scientifically prove it. What I’ve found…”in my research” is when we look at sex on a spectrum from Horrible to Amazing, the sex at the bottom of the spectrum was with better humans, and the unforgettable sex was with people you wish you could forget. Does it have to be that way? I don’t know. But so far, has my theory been proven wrong? Also, no. *shrugs* My theory on this stems from ego. (Let it be stated that I am writing from a heteronormative perspective. Although sexually curious, I have only engaged in sex with men. Maybe lesbian sex is different.) A lot of men, when young and still immature, attach a lot of value to their penis, i.e. its size, their “stroke”, and ability to last. The bigger the penis, typically the more confident the boy. The more confident the boy, the more flirtatious they become, perfecting their “game.” The more flirtatious, the more likely it is for them to succeed in taking a woman home and having sex. The more sex they have, (practice makes perfect) the better they become at sex in general. Now, there is nothing wrong with this at all. However, to become good at sex you have to have a lot of it. If you’re having a lot of it, you are either in a committed relationship, have a friend with benefits situation, or are the type that floats from one to the next to the next. With the two latter choices: these people will get you mentally fucked up if communication is not crystal clear about what is going on. Why will FWB or one night stands get you messed up? Because you’re going to get drunk on dick. That’s the blunt reality. I’m sure you’re reading this like…Mom, what the hell are you talking about?? I know, it sounds crazy. But listen – good sex can get you attached in ways you never thought possible. It’s science. I swear. When you orgasm, the flood of happy hormones that are released in your brain are incomparable. So when you have had sex all throughout the spectrum, you will then value that Moby Dick when you get it, just so you can get that 11/10 orgasm – EVEN IF it is attached to a bum human. It goes both ways too! Boys will really be out here falling all over a girl because she gave him the best fellatio he’s ever had. People get hung up over one another all because of some good sex. It’s true. So…I warn you now. Just know, that when you have amazing sex with someone..proceed with caution. Make sure you know what’s up. That’s all.
2. Don’t meet people in bars. I heard that phrase a lot growing up, but didn’t understand it until recently. I always thought meeting someone at a bar would be cute – a classic, nostalgic tale that people can relate to and smile on as if remembering “the good ol’ days.” But no. Don’t meet someone at a bar, because why? Because most likely you’re tipsy, if not close to tilted. And when you, and all the people around you, are any form of inebriated you like them more and they seem greater than they actually would be when sober. The basic fact is that you like people more when you’re drunk. Generally, people are less analytical when intoxicated. Everyone will seem funnier, more attractive, and when they invite you home and they’re sleeping on an air mattress you won’t care about it as much, until you wake up the next morning sober wondering why the hell you woke up on an air mattress when you have a perfectly normal bed at home! It happens to the best of us…(but does it?) Bars are great for one night stands. Probably not so great for dating. In general, when you’re first getting to know someone – don’t drink with them. Be sober. Go on sober dates, because that way you can really get to know them. Because, like aforementioned, you don’t think as well when you’re drunk. And the person you may end up with for the rest of your life, hopefully will be sober for most of that time. Fall in love with the sober person, and put up with the drunk person – not the other way around.
3. Skinny guys are more emotionally draining so find yourself somebody with some loving for the cuddling. *Not true all the time, just a stereotype I’ve discovered “in my research.” HOWEVER. Another correlation…skinny guys also tend to be slanging. And no I’m not defining that for you, look it up.*
4. USE CONDOMS
5. USE CONDOMS
6. USE CONDOMS
7. IF YOU’RE WITH SOMEONE WHO EVER TRIES TO NOT USE A CONDOM AND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YALL ARE ABOUT TO HAVE SEX, DROP THEM IMMEDIATELY. *see number 14*
8. Red flags exist for a reason. *see number 7* Intuition also exists for a reason. Watch for it, listen for it, and most importantly FOLLOW it. God tries to talk to us, but sometimes we’re too stubborn (or drunk off that Moby Dick, * I know I know..sorry * ) to listen.
9. Do everything in your power not to become jaded. No one likes those people, they’re annoying and bitter. And will never be truly happy as long as they hang on to whatever event made them upset in the first place.
10. Always Always ALWAYS Forgive. As hard as it may be, always forgive people. It’s better for your health, and will let you heal faster than if you hold onto the anger and pain of whatever happened to you. I don’t have advice for how to forgive, that is something every person must come up with on their own. There is a unique method to the madness for letting go of our anger and our hurt. All I know is that forgiveness is the longterm secret to happiness and to finding love in new relationships. Because if you’re holding on to hurt from past relationships, you’re going to let that hurt bleed into in any future love you may encounter and it will ruin that relationship. A seed can’t grow in toxic soil.
11. Don’t subtweet, or participate in any form of messiness. When you’re mad or hurt, don’t put your feelings all over social media. Get together with your two closest friends and have a vent session, or go out and get drinks and forget about whatever happened. The words that you spew on your twitter account will be there forever, and you can’t take those back. But your friends (hopefully) will never betray you and will listen to you complain patiently. This is a much better therapy session that won’t get you caught up. Subtweeting or sub-posting in general just makes you look like the petty, immature child you are.
12. Don’t ever let someone make you feel bad for being yourself. If you want to take a billion selfies and talk about how cute you are, own that shit. Yeah it might be vain, but who cares – own your vanity. If you are sensitive, and someone calls you out for being sensitive, don’t try and deny it and act tough and get defensive, just own that, “Like yeah, I’m a sensitive ass individual.” Recognize that what makes us strong is our uniqueness and individuality. If we were all like everybody else, that would get us no where. And if someone tries to make you feel bad for who you are, or tries to get you to change to suit them, show them where the exit is because you don’t need to change for anyone, they need to find someone who they want.  Clearly if all they’re doing is complaining about you, then you’re not the one they want and they can just get on down the road and find somebody else. Just like you can find someone for you.
13. Before you hit somebody up with that, “I miss you” text or, “Hey how have you been, whatcha up to?” text – ask yourself – “Do you really miss them, or are you just lonely?” and then masturbate. and then watch Netflix or hit up a friend. Most likely, you won’t be thinking about them later. Also, never ever ever make drastic statements when it’s the Christmas/New Year holiday season or when you’re the week before your period – because these are both deadly times for the emotions. We get crazy sentimental and think things we wouldn’t normally think if we weren’t so emotionally wacky.
14. Don’t be an asshole. I could fill a book (and maybe I will one day) with all the different ways people are assholes, so obviously I cannot explain here. But inside, you just have to know what makes someone an asshole and what doesn’t. So just choose not to do the asshole things. Also, the people who don’t have that “feeling” – yeah, those people are assholes.
15. Don’t be willfully ignorant. We have way too much access to news (feels like too much sometimes) and the history of this world for there still to be RACIST, HOMOPHOBIC, BIGOTS espousing all sorts of nonsense (and yet still call themselves a Christian? Interesting.) Also, don’t let your “generation” be your reason for not understanding something. We are never too old to adapt or change. Yes, it might be more difficult to understand someone else’s perspective, especially if that perspective is entirely different from what you’ve known all your life – but it is not impossible. Always give credit and try to understand others’ life experiences before you react. Because you’ll be of my genetic material, I know already that you won’t be this person. But just for precaution, don’t be this asshole. *see number 14*
16. Vote. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. TELL YOUR FRIENDS TO VOTE. TELL YOUR COWORKERS TO VOTE. AND KEEP DOING IT ELECTION AFTER ELECTION AFTER ELECTION, ESPECIALLY THE LOCAL ONES. And if you don’t vote for whatever reason, maybe you felt like there was no deserving candidate – then your trifling ass better run in the next election. Because you sure as hell cannot be that person that complains and complains about the state of the world and the state of politics, but then does nothing to change it. Don’t be that asshole. *see number 14*
17. Balance is key. Live in moderation. It’s okay to be alone. In fact, it’s great. Take time to enjoy your company and live in solitude. Pop culture displays a happy life as one surrounded by friends all the time, going out shopping, and getting drinks, and going clubbing. And that’s nice. But it’s just as great to go to a cozy, couch filled café that has Miles Davis playing in the back ground while you read a great book and people watch. Find your inner ambrovert.
18. Life is confusing; let it be that way. Our society tries to pigeon hole us into knowing everything we want to do in every moment of our lives. But guess what? That’s bogus! It’s entirely crazy. It’s a trap. It’s hard to remain in a state of confusion; it’s hard to not know what you should do next, or even what you want to start. But instead of caving into the pressure to make a decision, give yourself time to figure out what it is you want, and then decide after you’re sure. When you take the time to figure out what you want it’s more likely you won’t wake up one day hating your job and your life. That’s a struggle no one wants to have.
19. You’re never too busy to talk to loved ones. A simple text goes a long way, just to let people know you’re thinking about them. A handwritten card or letter is even better. P.S. Thank you cards and postcards will never go out of style.
20.  There is a fine line of “appropriateness” when it comes to texting somebody who you just met, but you’re super in to. Find it. The line lies somewhere in between not texting too often to where it seems like you’re thirsty as hell and have nothing going on in your day and not taking too long to respond to where it seems like you text when you feel like it, coming off as uninterested. Do not underestimate how important the first 72 hours are!!! This is your time to make yourself come off as funny, polite, interested, but not pushy – make yourself shine in this time, and expose this person to how great you are and why y’all should go on a date some time. Or…if you don’t give a fuck that’s cool too. Just pick one.
21. When you feel yourself slouching, correct your posture. Your back will thank me later. Vitamin B 12 saves lives. Drink water before you feel thirsty. 10,000 steps everyday, low-key, is a great idea even though exercise is sometimes the last thing we want to do. Smile randomly throughout the day. Before you go to bed each night think about one thing you’re grateful for, and when you wake up the next morning thank god for another day to do something on this planet.
22. And this last piece of advice is a quote from our beloved drag queen, music artist, and in general amazing person…RuPaul – FALL IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF FIRST!

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Thanks for reading loves. I hope you chuckled at least once while reading this, and maybe gained something for the road. Cheers!